


Darcy Pennell, Go To Hell

by IntercranialSubspaces



Category: Kids in the Hall
Genre: Gen, Simon and Hecubus, The Darcy Pennell Show, very mild profanity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-24
Updated: 2016-04-24
Packaged: 2018-05-31 17:37:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6480145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IntercranialSubspaces/pseuds/IntercranialSubspaces
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Simon and Hecubus appear on the Darcy Pennell show, with confusing results...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Darcy Pennell, Go To Hell

**Author's Note:**

> All characters in the story are creations and property of The Kids in the Hall.  
> A link to sketches that inspired, or are referenced here is at the end of the fic.

DARCY P: "Hello, and welcome to the Darcy Pennell Show. I’m Darcy Pennell, this is my show, and these are my new biker boots. Before that let me introduce my studio guests. But before *that* let me explain to you, my audience, why this afternoon is going to be a very exciting experience for me, for you, and for cameraman Lou. Lou, do you have your leathers on yet? Oh, good. And the right way round, too. As viewers at home will know, for some years I have been promising that you will join me as I ride with the Hellriders. Well, Toronto’s busiest motorcycle gang are, uh, very busy, as you can imagine, so could never actually make it to the Darcy Pennell Show. Until now!"  
"And here they are, sitting opposite my face, gang leader Sermon Milka-Van and his trusted sidecar, Cub Scout"

SIMON M: "Hello, actually my name is Sir Simon Milligan, and this is..."

HECUBUS: "Manservant Hecubus"

DP: "Milli Vanilli and Mancurtains Cube-Bus"

SM: "Sir Simon Milligan. Manservant Hecubus. It’s really not that difficult"

DP: "Surmise...Miso...Haiku...Hee-Hee..."

SM: "Look, try just Simon and Hecubus. You are obviously incapable of..."

H: "Call us the Hecubus Guys! That will do"

SM: "No! No it will not do! We are not ‘The Hecubus Guys’! I am Sir Simon, master of funk and evil. I am not a ‘Hecubus guy’"!

H: "Sorry, Master. I just want us to be introduced in an efficient – and EVIL! – manner"

DP: "So, Surgeon Andy Hiccups, before we set off, tell us about the bikes we’ll be riding today"

SM: "What?"

DP: "Do you get held up in traffic much? Or do you just drive on the sidewalk at rush hour? How do you deal with people who clothesline you?"

H: "Master, I think she’s already been hypnotised. No truly conscious person could speak such nonsense"

SM: "Darcy Pennell, when I snap my fingers you will awaken. And ask us light-hearted questions about our entertaining – and EVIL! – hypnotism show. Which we are promoting like hell to increase ticket sales. This fancy cravat doesn’t pay for its own dry cleaning"

H: "Evil overcharging dry cleaners shrank my leotard. Boy, it really binds at the crotch now"

SM: "Evil. *SNAP*. Darcy, awaken!"

DP: "But I’m already awake..."

SM: "Then prepare for the Sleep of Ages"

DP: "Is that a Hellriders initiation ritual?"

H: "No. It’s part of our act. Our thrilling hypnotism act. Catch it twice nightly at Pesto's Dinner Theatre from February through...er...February. Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! to be turned into a chicken".

DP: "So you’re a biker gang and hypnotists. Mmm, unusual. Tell us how you combine the two"

SM: "Biker gang, are you kidding? Motor oil would ruin my nails"

H: "And he can't take the long hours anymore"

DP: "So...not actually...Hellriders." *sigh* " Do you ride anything at all? Any combination of hellishness and riding?"

SM: "Well, I used to have a pony, but she was rather pleasant. I nuzzled her nose, she nuzzled mine...it was a mutual nuzzly thing"

H:"I think she was a tiny bit evil, Master. Remember when she mistook me for a carrot?"

SM: "Well, you never would take my advice to wear a jockstrap when visiting the stables"

H: "Darcy, can we hypnotise your studio audience now?"

Tony Henderson: "I doubt it. You couldn’t last time I saw you"

SM: "It’s your fault! You resisted my unresistable power over the human mind. You’re...you’re just too chicken to be turned into a chicken!"

TH: "That makes no sense, just like your act. You are the worst hypnotists in the country".

SM: "Asshole! Speed thee to Hell!"

TH: "Yeah, right"

DP: "I can't believe this has fallen through again! I just want to ride with a Hellrider...the breeze fluffing my curls, my delicate fingers entwined in his beard as he revvs impatiently at a pedestrian crossing..." "What a disappointing show"

H: "Evil! Evil! Disappointing and Evil!"

DP: "Mmmm. We’re out of time. Join me tomorrow when I may be riding with the Hellriders. There's always hope. Thank you to my guests, Sir Simon Ill-Again and Hercules Bustard"

SM: "Its Sir Simon Mill..."

DP: "Oh, speed thee the hell out of my studio"

SM: "That’s my line!"

DP: "Well, just call me Darcy Pennevil"

H: "Oh she’s good, Master. Evil and...er...good".

[ Link to YouTube playlist of sketches that inspired, or are referenced in this fic: <https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLepkcLG_2ncpJ6Id0GrjuVe3V863epVq4> ]

 


End file.
